A parenting reflection on how unmet expectations — not misbehavior — often drive our impatience.
We were on a beach vacation with my partner and our three children. After lunch, as we packed up to head to the beach, my partner turned to me with visible frustration and said, “Can you get the kids ready?” She explained how her patience had been worn down by what she called “the never-ending series of tiny disappointments” — our kids making a mess over lunch, my son taking forever to put his shoes on, and my daughter insisting we were at the wrong apartment door when my partner was certain it was the right one. She added, “I don’t have as much patience as you.” After a deep breath, she asked for 30 minutes alone in the master bedroom to recover. I agreed, hugged her, packed up our beachwear and food, and helped the kids into their swimsuits and flip-flops.
Later, I reflected on where my patience comes from. The first thing I noticed was that I’m not actively trying to stay calm in the moment. Don’t get me wrong — it does take effort, but I’m not repeating a mantra to stay cool. And to be clear, I still lose my patience several times a day. When I dug a little deeper, I realized the source of my patience: it comes from being at peace with what is.
Our 4- and 5-year-old toddlers don’t yet have the motor skills to eat in a tidy, mess-free way. Every time they feed themselves, my partner and I are investing in their skills with utensils. I know and accept this — and the mess that comes with it. When I can recall that context, I set more realistic expectations for them and for myself. Because, let’s be real, I’m going to be the one cleaning up after them — we’re still practicing the whole “clean up after yourself” part, haha.
My 4-year-old son can dress himself and put on his shoes, but he’s not exactly quick about it. Everything seems more exciting than putting on socks. His developing skills also mean that sometimes his shoes go on the wrong feet, he forgets underwear, or his shirt ends up backward. And sometimes, he simply doesn’t want to do it at all, which is developmentally normal. Asking me to help with something he’s done before can be his way of requesting care and attention. When I keep all of that in mind, I can set more realistic expectations for both of us. I’m prepared to occasionally swap his shoes and turn his shirt around.
My 6-year-old daughter is just entering school age. One of the hallmarks of this stage is that she believes she knows everything. She hasn’t yet reached the insight famously captured by Socrates: “The more I know, the more I realize how much I don’t know.” I support her confidence and initiative by engaging in conversations that gently explore her knowledge and reveal its limits. My favorite way to do this is to agree to disagree — and then make a plan to see what actually happens. Our shared exploration of the world leads us to real observations and discoveries. But when I forget this context and set unrealistic expectations — for her or for myself — that’s when I lose my patience.
In all three examples above, I’m not focused on being patient. I’m simply accepting what my children are capable of in the moment. I’ve found that this approach makes “being patient” feel mostly effortless — because I’m aligned with reality. I’m meeting them where they are and creating a safe space for them to grow.
I’ve found that a few things contribute to the success of this approach:
- I educate myself on psychology, child development milestones, and common challenges. This helps me stay grounded in reality and root my expectations accordingly.
- I intentionally create a space where my children can fail safely and develop at their own pace.
- I focus on leading within my own domain — not theirs. I aim to grant them as much freedom to lead their domain as is age-appropriate.
- I continually practice letting go of attachments to my children’s states, behaviors, and habits.
These aren’t quick fixes, only ongoing practices. They’ve helped me immensely.
If you’re interested in how I prepare myself to be in the best possible mindset for parenting, check out my previous blog post: Parenting joy prism.
Journey to feel 